Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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