Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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