I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
we're making bets on your personal life
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
