I think I won the penis lottery.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
