She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
