Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
