Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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