Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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