hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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