Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We got so high we made milksteak
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
