you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
