He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
