You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
