its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
