It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think I am morally bankrupt
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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