I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
