That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
