She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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