apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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