just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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