I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
