really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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