It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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