Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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