Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
