is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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