So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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