a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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