If that was your dad, he is hot
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
