and you said cock pushups were impossible
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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