First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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