well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
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