Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Is it penis luge time yet?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
