I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
