Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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