weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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