Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
