the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
