I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
