Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
