Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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