I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
