I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
