I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she looked like the before picture.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
