if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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