dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
