If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
