I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
