this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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