Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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